mundane thebeautiful

Ch. 20 Reconnections

For in leaving the blurred-boundary bliss of mother-child oneness, we become a conscious, unique and separate self, exchanging the illusion of absolute shelter and absolute safety for the triumphant anxieties of standing alone.
And in bowing to the forbidden and the impossible, we become a moral, responsible, adult self, discovering -within the limitations imposed by necessity-our freedoms and choices.
And in giving up our impossible expectations, we become a lovingly connected self, renouncing ideal visions of perfect friendship, marriage, children, family life for the sweet imperfections of all too human relationships.
And in confronting the many losses that are brought by time and death, we become a mourning and adapting self, finding at every stage-until we draw our final breath-opportunities for creative transformations.

In thinking about development as a lifelong series of necessary losses-of necessary losses and subsequent gains-I am constantly struck by the fact that in human experience opposites frequently converge. I have found that little can be understood in terms of "either" and "ors." I have found that the answer to the question "Is it this or that?" is often "Both." 
That we love and we hate the same person.
That the same person-us, for instance-is both good and bad...

[...]

It is true that as long as we live we may keep repeating the patterns established in childhood. It is true that the present is powerfully shaped by the past. But it also is true that the circumstances of every stage of development can shake up and revise the old arrangements. And it's true that insight at any age can free us from singing the same sad songs again.

As for our losses and gains, we have seen how often they are inextricably mixed. There is plenty we have to give up in order to grow. For we cannot deeply love anything without becoming vulnerable to loss.


-Necessary Losses, Judith Viorst